For many men (and women) their first model of masculinity is their dad. Sometimes fathers can be really positive role models and sometimes they can be very negative role models. In the video below boys and men share that their fathers were “caring, kind and loving“. This challenges the stereotypical assumption that men cannot be nurturing and compassionate. These fathers were definitely models of #healthymasculinity.

Conversation starter: In the video below boys and men share their thoughts about the word “father”. No matter your gender identity what role did your father play in how you think about masculinity?

 Dr. Chris Kilmartin speaks about the fictions that shape men’s lives. One “guy fi” is “the gender belongs everywhere fiction”. Dr. Kilmartin illustrated in his talk that through socialization we receive messages about what is appropriate for men-as-a-group vs. women-as-a-group. Dr. Kilmartin states “that gender is everywhere, it is like the air”. The man box defines essentially all the behaviors that are appropriate for men-as-a-group. Gender stereotypes are used to define what it means to be a man related to a whole range of things including:

• What drinks we think are masculine

• What mannerisms we think are masculine

• What colors we think are masculine

• What ways of talking we think are masculine

• What social activities we think are masculine

• What life goals we think are masculine

Many individual men break these rules of masculinity but men-as-a-group are still strongly encouraged to follow these gender norms. Although the man box is everywhere we do not have to use it define everything regarding masculinity.

Conversation starter: 

Socially, what is an example of “guy fi” or gender stereotype that we once believed to be true that we no longer define as only masculine?

What did you think when you saw Russell Wilson cry after the Seattle Seahawks won the NFC Championship Game? What were your thoughts when Ndamukong Suh cried after the Detroit Lions disappointing loss to the Dallas Cowboys? Our socialization of gender norms is so deeply connected to our expectations of individual behavior that we are surprised when men cry or when women are assertive. These gender norms or rules about masculinity and femininity are so accepted that they become “common sense”.  An Atlantic Magazine article about a “Stay-at home Dad” illustrates the false dichotomy of gender norms. Below is an excerpt:

“Nearly half of fathers report dissatisfaction with the amount of time that they are able to spend with their children—twice the rate of mothers who say the same. The gender-equality debate too often ignores this half of the equation. When home is mentioned at all, the emphasis is usually on equalizing burdens—not equalizing the opportunity for men, as well as women, to be there… There’s an underlying assumption that women and men have different visions of what matters in life—or, to be blunt about it, that men don’t find child-rearing all that rewarding, whereas women regard it as integral to the human experience. I do not think this assumption is true, generally speaking.”

The article above illustrates that both men and women want many of the same things. The popular culture notion that men and women are in competition or that being a man is the opposite of a woman leaves little choice for both men and women to break the gender rules. An assertive woman is called the “B word” and likewise a man expressing sadness is called a “whoosh” or worse.

Conversation starter: 

1. Socially when will stop labeling certain issues like “work-life balance” etc. as women’s issues?

2. Gender “common sense” states that only women really appreciate their relationships. If you identify as a man do you agree that actually many men value their relationships with family and friends?

During  Super Bowl XLIX there were a few commercials that showed nurturing, compassionate and loving images of dads. Although the goal of a commercial is to sell a product it was refreshing to see some healthier depictions of masculinity in these ads. The messages we usually receive from the media generally attempt to reinforce the “innate” differences between men and women. The ‘Like a Girl Campaign’ (which also had a commercial in the Super Bowl) is an example of media attempting to challenge our “common sense” understanding about the socialized perception of gender difference. Many young girls and women think of themselves as fast, strong and competitive. Ask any woman who is an athlete or CEO about these qualities. Many young boys and men think of themselves as kind, considerate and supportive. Ask any man who is a teacher or therapist about these qualities.

As Don McPherson says “We don’t raise boys to be men. We raise them not to be women”. Socially we generally define masculinity as the opposite of femininity. Being a man is often understood as not being a woman but if women can be warm, nurturing, compassionate and loving then can’t men have these qualities too? Many of us might laugh if someone said women can’t be strong, competitive and express leadership. We want both men and women to be able to have all of these positive qualities.

Conversation starter: 

1. Socially when will we stop labeling certain qualities as masculine and feminine?
2. If you identify as a man when you are behaving in a compassionate and caring manner do you consider these qualities as masculine, feminine or just positive qualities?